Walk Alone

There’s been some noise lately over the strict guard over my comment form. I do have to say no one says I shut your mouths but someone has expressed annoyance over the name/email/captcha thing. Beg your pardon? Yes, the person is not ready to fill in the email even when assured it won’t be displayed. Too bothersome, is the reply. What? Am I going to track you down and do something bad? If I give you free reign over what you can say, surely I need to know who “you” are, don’t I? The deal’s not that bad, is it?

Among other things, I’ve cleaned up the previous entries - removing cross-category posting, generating permalinks - that sort of stuff. And I’ve started working on the static pages. To see what I’m talking about, see the ‘About’ page, from the menubar at the top or from the sidebar.

And I have a friendly surprise for IE visitors.

It is like looking into a mirror. When the fog clears, you see what you should have in the first place.

Sometimes, I thank my parents for being an excellent judge of their child’s character; like all parents, I suppose. It was a good thing that I don’t have an iota of training in any martial art. For when I get into a murderous rage, I’m sure that the “murderous” part would’ve been more than justified. Fortunately, my build being what it is and having no training in fighting, people have nothing to fear from me. Today, my rage earned Amey a few bops on his head. Why do I get pissed off at him so easily? Another story, another time. However, the discussion surrounding the bops cleared the fog on the glass for me.

The debate in the previous post spilled over into life, predictably. Lets take the least sticky points first, shall we?

Amey and I obviously differ on how to go about in this debate, even when we are on the same side. Maybe its because he has specifics while I’m content to address the issue at a general level. I guess the situation would have been reversed if the topic had been something related to Linux or programming. The only problem I have with his approach right now, is its potential to skew the debate - when you have specifics, it is easy to latch onto them and miss the main theme. The other thing about specifics is exceptions. Its very rare for a trend or a rule to exist without any exceptions. And these exceptions can be and are projected as counterpoints, by those who know they exist. Frustrating, to say the least.

The second contentious issue is “abuse”. I’m yet to understand what it means when referred to my blog, but in life, today’s head-bopping would be considered as “abuse”. Most of the debate pundits believe I “abuse” when I don’t have any points to debate. A pity really. And here I thought my beliefs were the results of rational thought processes and indisputable facts. I wonder how it was that I managed so long without “abusing” anyone. Funny. I remember taking part in engaging debates throughout my school years. I remember debating throughout my junior college. I can’t recall “abusing” anyone. Have my new debate partners - the pundits of debate - brought out something hidden in me or what? Any takers for the ‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ theory? Or wait; have I picked the wrong people to debate with? You know, ‘the shades of brown’ theory?

And now we come to the opening shot of the argument. Obviously, when it comes to the reservations, I’m not neutral. I can’t be. I’m colored. I’m one of ‘them’ - those who have stepped over others’ heads. Watch me carefully - I’ll always try to do it again, no matter if I say I won’t from now on. No matter if I say I’m sick of being burdened with that knowledge of having jumped over the meritorious heads. How can you trust me? I’ve used the rules when they are on my side - rules as unfair as any that I deride. I know the ease now. What is to stop me when it comes to putting a check on the all-important category on so many forms in this nation? And here I was - expecting to be accepted and trusted as an equal when my entry itself was unequal. I simply am not.

That unequal entry can well be my downfall. It has been like a wish granted in a grotesquely twisted manner by some evil genie. Is the genie evil becuase I can’t live with the wish? Conscience is a bad thing. Specially when it is right and you seem to be… not wrong but not right either. Oh sure, I got a toehold, in a patently unfair, unequal manner. Oh, I never shortchanged the State whose rules gave me that toehold. I paid my dues full and square. But that entry? Like a phantom tied by an unfulfilled wish, that first entry won’t leave my side. I topped in Electronics, did I now? Well, someone else more deserving would surely have done that too, if I had not gobbled up the seat. I got into a premier institute, did I? Look at your dismal academics. Someone more deserving would have surely done better. You got a job thats independent of your academics, you say? Well, what gave you entry into the college where this company came head-hunting? And it will go on… always the first among unequals.

Having gained an unequal entry, I’ve lost my claim to be recognized as someone competent. Never mind I’m good at something. “Ethically”, I shouldn’t be here to do it in the first place, so competence simply doesn’t figure. I can’t demand competence from others either. For unlike me, they are here on their own guts. Its ok for them to be less than perfect. I’ve no right to demand anything from them.

This sounds familiar. India’s new pariah caste - those who have worked the system for reservations. Did I hear some protests about being “disowned by their nation”?

Where would I’ve been if I had not taken the genie’s wish? A normal HSC with PCM. A BSc Physics. Thats purely academic. Surely, my father would have had given me my machine sooner. That wouldn’t change. I would still be interested in computers and programming. I would have still preferred open source and my current skill-sets - PHP, MySQL, Linux, C++ - would have been my skills even then. If anything, I would have had more time to sharpen them. Maybe I wouldn’t be placed in a company that pays me top-dollar every month. But I’m damn sure I wouldn’t be job-hunting for long with my skills - I would have broken into the IT sector somehow.

Sometimes, you don’t like what you see. Do you hate the mirror now? Or do you hate what you see?

Either ways I would have ended up where I wanted to be. So what is different? That I have taken a path that is (for the thousandth time) unequal?

Yes, I have benefited from reservations. Twice. No, I’m not in support of reservations.

Why not? Because its like a drug. You are shot up to the moon when you hold the admission slips in your hand. And for the rest of your life, you have to contend with the question “What if I was in the open category?” It will follow you everywhere. It will attend the course with you. It will be there when you finish the course. It will be there when you start your job. Because, you know, that job has been possible because… Its difficult to be without a clean conscience - how can you figure saying “I believe in meritocracy” when you are where you are by stepping over so many heads? How do you drive away that bitter feeling you get when you know you have driven away your chance to be counted among equals; because all your achievements are based on one act of inequality?

And yet, I find myself coldly unapologetic. If I don’t deserve a seat; well, I have seen others with better academic records who don’t deserve it either. But that is neither here nor there. I’m going to be out of the system soon. And I don’t want it to go to dust by the time my kids (what? OK, your kids - the future of this nation - you get the idea) enter it.

Thite has a plan. In short, reservations are simply to be rejected out of hand. Thats asking the caste people to play fair - simple enough. I’ll repeat my doubt - if you are asking us to come up to your level for judgement, can you guarantee that in a prejudiced society, we will be granted a fair decision? America was once split between whites and blacks during the course of history. Indians still look for shades of brown. If only Eklavya had refused to cut off his thumb, history would have been a bit different.

Please don’t counter this by saying prejudice doesn’t exist now. It does. Look for people asking your caste right after they ask your name. I have gone through that rigmarole - each time my hope that the second question won’t be asked has been dashed. People can’t let go. They want to be assured that they are God’s granted - superior.

Still, I don’t support reservations. Its bad enough for the system. Its also bad for those whom its supposed to work for. How? Other than a corroded soul? Look at any organisation which has reservations. The lower and middle levels will be filled with reserved category candidates. And it will be used in all of the arguments against reservations. Look higher. The top. I doubt you will find a caste guy there. Inspite of reservations, the power centres of our nation have always been with those who have had it traditionally - guess who? The people with a hotline to God. My point is - reservations don’t damn work! If after setting aside 50% of the seats for 50% of the population, not ONE can break (and stay) into a power centre being controlled by someone from the other 50%, then reservation is not the solution, if it ever was; which it wasn’t and still isn’t. I want that stranglehold to be broken. That exclusivity to be removed. I’m game for fair fight. And I’m ready to slug it out if even you add our past records as a liability.

And here’s what I say should be done. And its as utopian as Thite’s plan.

Ambedkar may have been a genius. Ambedkar got respect because he competed and won on equal terms. His mistake was asking to make the battle easier for his caste brothers. Respect can not be earned by reservation. He should have had a bit more trust in his people. If he could make it to the top, what was there to stop the millions from atleast goddamn trying to fight it out on the same terms? One generation is all it takes to grab a hold. If he could do it with his determination alone, what in seven hells made him think that a generation as inspired and determined as the one in the post independence years could not make it? They would have brought around a revolution if he had asked for it - why wouldn’t they try reaching out into the society on equal terms? Simply becuase Ambedkar thought they couldn’t. Benevolent over-protective big brother. And now we believe we can’t either.

Bullshit.

Affirmative action begins and ends with the belief that you can take on the world on its own terms. Stand on your own two feet. If you are ready to fight, I’m ready to lend you the weapons and train you. Thats what the caste people need.

You want your kid to get a good job. For that he needs a good education. Are you ready to forego 10 years of income loss while he studies? Yes? Does your kid want to study and get a good job? Yes? Good. Then we will make sure he clears primary and secondary school on equal terms with others. We will teach him to score - to compete and achieve - on par with others. We will make sure that the education he gets is not just marks on paper. We will teach him that there is education beyond books and schools and institutes. We will make sure he is aware and proud of his identity and yet, is not dependent on it.

Does he want to study more? Is he ready to be among India’s best? Is he aware of the struggles? Does he know the price of failure? Of success? Can he rein in his pride if he succeeds? For there is even more to achieve if he reaches the top. Yes? We will help him out. By now he knows how to compete on equal terms. We will just show him the rules and make sure he understands them well. Money and other mundane things? Surely your son, now among India’s best, can pay us back; or better, use it to bring others, like him, up among India’s best.

That goes for the daughters too.

Did I mention anything about reservations? I think not.

Varun has announced the much-awaited (for those who knew they were coming) BE Electrical 2006 awards. Bhise followed it up with the technical awards, whatever that means. I would say both were interesting reads. We do like to conduct appraisals, after all. And what the heck, maybe these guys themselves are now a bit more sure about their equations with others.

I do not have an affinity for awards. They are ephemereal. What qualifies me for an award now may not be so after sometime. What I do prefer is setting up teams (No, not your typical eleven member cricket teams; so Amey, go back to the bench). Which is something of an irony - I’m a bit (hell, largely) a lone wolf sort of guy. And more often than not, I - a “good ole chair-bound, tapping away at the keyboard” kind of guy - pick out teams patterned after special ops teams. Call it a hangover from reading a bit too many military espionage novels. Be well aware that the people I invite may not have killed a mosquito in their life. They may even refuse to be on my team, but then, hey, I got backups.

Before you fall off your chair visualizing me tagged up in a SAS BDU - a spec-ops team usually has a guy (or many guys) back in the command center - he looks after them, looks out for them; he’s their control. Thats me.

Varun Rajkumar - Want to know why he’s first? Remember Age of Mythology? In there, there’s a warrior with more hitpoints than Arkantos - Ajax. Thats the perfect description for Varun. Dependable through and through. Tends to get high frequently. Short tempered and brutally honest. Your team shall not lose. No matter what.

Kapil Bodkhe - Need a cool head in the team who also has the know-how to get a job done. I have yet to see him blow his fuse. This guy works, without breaking into a sweat. Ever.

Vidyadhar Bhise - This guy is a veritable mine for contacts. You work him right, he drops the names to get your stuff done. Ask me. Catapulted into the tech team without slaving my butt even once beforehand. Head of Tech Team, no less. Also good for getting things done in a hurry.

Hrishikesh Thite - You are kidding! I don’t want to lose because I let this guy go. Throw stuff at him like you throw a ball at a seal. If he’s in the mood (which is the case most of the times) your job is done. Keep those meatballs at hand, just in case…

Amey Kulkarni - Nothing like a random variable to keep a control on his toes. This guy has an unsurpassed capacity for getting beaten up. Got into a cluster-fuck? Put Amey on point and get your team out. Be ready for a case of bad nerves though. This guy is irritating with a capital I.

Piyush Shah - Take Kapil. Remove icy cool and put in tempered steel. This guy does his job. Does it well. And can and does blow his fuse.

Haridas Dave - This guy does his work. And you are left figuring just how the hell he does it.

Yogesh Tarate - One word. A smooth operator. OK, three words.

Vaibhav Patwardan - Job. Well performed. Nothing more is needed. This guy is on my team.

Bhalchandra Bhat - Want someone to work the system. Not much can be achieved by being clean and honest, after all. Use this guy. Watch him and watch your back.

Thats my A team. The one I’ll put out into the field first. Of course, I got a backup. The second tier, to speak of - the B team.

Deepak Ujania - If you had spent less time chasing pussies and instead, hunted the big cats, I might have placed you above.

Aditya Save - What can I say? This guy has the stuff to make it up above, but somehow, he often doesn’t make it. Ask him yourself.

Bhupendra Amodekar - Ambiguity can easily overshadow skill-sets. Dude, learn to avoid mouthing off before completing the thought process.

Pramod Gupta - When I need a memory machine disguised as a human, I’ll ask you to step up. Can you show me the 4-bit counter again? Or was it a decade counter?

Vikas Dixit - Firecracker for a mouth. Enough said.

Himanshu Bari and Rohan Barge - Always seen them together. Even while copying in the exams. The proverbial laughing man and the “I can be a total hunk” guy; together.

Nikhil Parkar - One piece of advice. Don’t get on his bad side. You will never be able to live it down.

Anwesh Das - Talented. Laidback. Too laidback. End of story.

Apratim Ambade - This guy is useful. He knows a lot of stuff. To start with, standup comedy for the benefit of his team.

Nikhil Manjrekar and Deepak Yawalkar - Ever heard of the silent types who always complete the task? These two are it.

Anay Dhoraje - Can be trained. Useful.

I have not identified the B team members’ capabilities as well as I’ve for the A team because I don’t need them as urgently.
And thats all. Well, its not to say that I’ve said FO to the rest of you. There’s not much to set you apart from each other, thats all there is to it.

A big shout out to the 06 batch. You have made me somewhat different from when I left junior college. I’m sure of it.

I had gone to Vashi for a ‘workshop’ - no, it was nothing like a workshop - along with my PM group. The institute (?) where this workshop was being conducted closed from 1 pm to 3:30 pm - in time with scheduled load shedding. Amey, being the usual “ha ha, this is fun, let’s enjoy to the max, guys!” type of guy, took a few of us to a book fair. Oh well, I don’t mind a book fair, its just that the thought of seeing a book I like but can’t buy, breaks my shell like nothing. And thats what happened; because I simply had not brought money to buy books, atleast the one I would have liked to read…

The aforementioned dude was hunting for books. There was an entire section giving away books at 10 bucks each. Cool! Got an unabrigded (I think) version of Beowulf. I had read the mid-school version and I thought the real stuff might be impressive. Gave it to Amey - don’t know whether he bought it. Then I saw “Everything We Had” by an Al Santoli. Interviews of thirty-three Vietnam vets. Arranged more or less chronologically. An oral history - thats a quote from the book. I don’t know why I picked it up. And I don’t know why Amey bought it.

The Vietnam War has has always interested me. Morbid at times - who wants to know that among the documented ways (of the Viet Cong or VC) of subjugating entire hamlets is raping the chieftain’s kids before the village and then executing the family? Or that the VC competed with Command Saigon when it came to brutalizing POWs. Damn interesting stuff too - guerilla tactics, special ops, air combat (if WW-II was about perfecting amphibious assaults on Pacific islands, the Vietnam War was about perfecting airborne assaults with close air support) and so on. And of course, the idea of a western military power engaging in full throttle mode in an oriental theatre - real interesting. It is also fascinating - how a beautiful country has been history’s playground - part of French Indo-China, then a Japanese territory till 1945, again under the French and then, the War. What was it fought for? And who actually fought it?

No other war has troubled the US like the Vietnam War. A nation, confident after saving the democratic world and becoming the champion of “liberty, democracy and equality” post WW-II, was defeated for the first time (possibly since the war of 1812 against England) after a bitter, ten years long struggle. The US had never faced an opponent like the VC till then. And it lost. The politician in DC, unlike the soldier on the jungle floor, didn’t know the true enemy. He didn’t know the country. He didn’t understand the people and their culture. He didn’t know how to win a war. Unfortunately for the soldier, the politician was pulling the trigger. The US-South Vietnamese forces found themselves playing a game whose rules were to be followed only by them and freely broken by the other side. Is it any surprise they lost?

The lessons were bitter for the American people. They had lost a war that was of no consequence to them. They had lost relatives to a cause that was not related to them. They had fought a war for people who didn’t want them to participate in it. This feeling - call it bitterness, anger, guilt, angst - is perhaps going to remain for a long time. Its not for nothing that Iraq is called the US’ second Vietnam.

I first stumbled across this undercurrent of bitterness when I saw Good Morning, Vietnam!, a movie about a radio jockey with the US forces (yes, the US forces ran radio stations in ‘Nam). He thinks he’s along for the ride in the country when he comes face to face with war. And war is synonymous with death. Then in a typical Hollywood style, he runs afoul of the censorship in place and is sent back home. That must have been ten years back.

Roughly around that time, my father gave me a book (the name escapes me) detailing the organisational details, operaring procedures, doctrines, etc. of the VC. It had interviews with ex-VC guys and victims of VC attacks, soldiers and people who had faced off with the VC and so on. Then came a series of books - novels actually - based on the War. Robert Ludlum’s Jason Bourne has his traumatic roots in that war. Tom Clancy’s novels have used the war as a keystone in debates and discussions, specially of the moral kind; and a few times, the story. Couple of special-ops “crawl through the jungle-shoot-moralize-rescue someone-moralize” sort of novels thrown in. I grepped through the World Book for Vietnam War and related entries.

My best source for this has been “It Takes to be a Hero” - the autobiography of H. Norman Schwarzkopf; the Commander of Allied forces in the 1991 Persian Gulf War. He served two tours in the Vietnam War and he has detailed his experiences as well as any writer could. Dom Moraes has also detailed his experiences as a war correspondent in Vietnam in his second autobiography, “Never at Home”.

And of course, the stuff thats shown on NatGeo, Discovery and The History Channel.

Through it all, I thought I had a pretty good grip on the Vietnam War and its effects. The book Amey bought (and which I borrowed) proved me wrong. It seems as if there is simply no end to how much guilt, anger, bitterness… can be found. It goes on and on. The more you find, the more you know are yet to be found. There is only one idea, with endless variations.

I realized the stories - interviews - were different in material but not in theme. I didn’t need to read the book after all. I already knew what was coming. But I’ll regret it won’t sit on my bookshelf if I ever decide to read it to the end.